Childhood dreamin.

This past week has been an absolute whirl wind. Working Monday to Saturday does that to you, plus getting home just in time to sleep-to get up and do it all over again. I do believe that I am outdoing myself... but I cant say that I dont enjoy being busy.

I have been pretty reminiscent lately, or maybe just today. The old tree at my grandparents place was cut down in a matter of minutes. That tree had been there since my mom was even a child, and I grew up seeing that tree everyday. We always attempted to climb it as little kids, but grandmas pinches stung too bad. You know, the ones on the fleshy part of the back of your arm that KILL. The ones I always got with a quick swat on the toosh because I always seemed to look for trouble. Seeing that tree cut up and sectioned in their yard just seemed like I was looking at my childhood. I realized today that I no longer feel childish, or that childish character I wanted to cling to for so long. I feel content in my skin, with that tree, with its long old branches seemed to contain all these odd ball memories and I finally just let go. Not that I am letting go of my childhood- cause lets face it, I was a pretty cool kid. But that persona, I am a 21 year old woman- yes, I can say woman now because I actually FEEL it. Age doesnt matter- you can be 30 and still act like a girl (sorry, Ive seen it) as long as you feel like a woman instead of a flimsy girl, you are a woman.

Also, the thing that reminded me of my Grandma again was when I was sick of my CD so I turned on the radio and was flipping through the channels and I hit the Classical music radio. I was instantly back in my Grandparents van, I can hear my Grandmas voice, smell the interior of the van, and feel incredibly bored all at the same time. I just sat in my car with a ridiculous grin on my face because now I love classical music, and the fact that something like that can send you back 14, 15 years. My view of my Grandparents has changed. I used to think of my Grandparents as the people you love, and you have to love and respect them... But when you grow up and start looking at them as people instead of your grandparents... You get a totally different view of them. You see them as a flawed human being as you are... and still love them for it. If my Grandpa Buitenbos was younger, Id totally want to marry him. Most want to marry their father, I want to marry my Grandpa. He is the kindest man I have ever met, when I see him he never fails to take my face in his big hands and tell me how proud he is of me, and how beautiful I have grown up to be. I just cant explain enough the huge respect I have for my grandparents. That being said, its already almost 1am, and I promised myself id slow down this week but I almost dont think thats going to happen. So, thats my brain vomit for the day.

Let Go

of:

people who don’t call you, the t-shirt from the ex, the insecurities about the way you dance, or sing, the shoes you’ve had in your closet for 6 years and are so raggedy but they still fit, that nagging feeling you’ll die alone.

that one time somebody called you ugly, that one time you got dumped, that 10th time you got dumped, feeling bad in a bathing suit, the takeout still in your fridge.

your fear of flying, your fear of never traveling, your fear of being the one who makes the first move, your fear of failure, your fear of monsters under the bed, having to wear makeup every time you leave the house, feeling bad about not shaving your legs even though it’s summer.

being so negative, feeling like you shouldn’t feel optimistic about things, the odd way you think your thighs and nose look, and being worried about how your hair frames your face, 86% of your doubt.

the bad friend, having to go to the movies with somebody and not alone, staying home on a Friday, going out and feeling like you’d rather be home, feeling alone, pretending like you always WANT to be alone, getting caught in the rain without an umbrella, saying cheesy things about the rain.

being worried you’re being too honest, being worried about being rejected, being worried about ordering dessert, being sad that your love life is kind of boring, constantly putting yourself down before somebody else does, being afraid of being disappointed, holding yourself back.

feeling bad about being clumsy, feeling bad your nails are always chipped, bad habits you cling onto, feeling guilty about thinking too much about the past, getting nervous about how you can’t quite grow up just yet, most of your guilt, feeling terrible about the things you haven’t done yet, comparing yourself to people you aren’t, comparing others to the people they are not, that one or two or thirty people you know you should.

Balloons.

C’mon, do it.

(I did not write this, but I should have)

Adventure is the best way to learn.

Reading through my last few posts I realized that they have seemed a little empty. I can talk about surface issues, surface problems and never even touch the heart of the matter.
A friend gave me this analogy once that his pastor had preached, you hear a noise in your car and you do everything to ignore it, turn up the radio, turn down the windows, anything to drown out the fact that your car is making noise until one day it breaks down-and you HAVE to fix it because theres no way of going back, and theres nothing else to be done but its going to be one heck of a project because theres so much build up of damage now. I can turn down the radio everyday when I get into my car just to listen to all the noises it makes and just hoping that one day it wont break down. The problem with listening to the noises everyday is that I neither have the knowledge or the insight to fix these problems. So who do I go to? What if they dont care? What if its too expensive to fix?

People ask me,"how amazing do you feel to be back in the USA?"..... Not that great, but thanks for asking? In all honesty in the past month I have been home I have hit my lowest and darkest spots-- but on the other hand I have also hit some highs. Its been a rollercoaster to say the least. This is not what I wanted for myself, I didnt want to be an emotional mess, I wanted to be so so happy for having been there and show it. I wanted to show what Costa Rica had done to me, how its changed me and I feel like I  havent been doing a very good job of it. I have just been a slightly depressing blob of useless gloop. And I am trying so hard to just pull myself up by my bootstraps... but they get heavier and heavier everytime, and a strap is broken.

I have already been looking at return tickets to Costa Rica, I know I will return one day, whether to teach or to visit in the time being. But right now-lies dont need an airplane to chase you down. Sometimes God gives you one big shake, brings you to your knees and brings you back to him. Sometimes though, we are just way to stubborn and refuse to return to Him. We want to do it the hard way, we want to "prove" to God that we can be the person he wants us to be, just without Him. It doesnt work.