Reading through my last few posts I realized that they have seemed a little empty. I can talk about surface issues, surface problems and never even touch the heart of the matter.
A friend gave me this analogy once that his pastor had preached, you hear a noise in your car and you do everything to ignore it, turn up the radio, turn down the windows, anything to drown out the fact that your car is making noise until one day it breaks down-and you HAVE to fix it because theres no way of going back, and theres nothing else to be done but its going to be one heck of a project because theres so much build up of damage now. I can turn down the radio everyday when I get into my car just to listen to all the noises it makes and just hoping that one day it wont break down. The problem with listening to the noises everyday is that I neither have the knowledge or the insight to fix these problems. So who do I go to? What if they dont care? What if its too expensive to fix?
People ask me,"how amazing do you feel to be back in the USA?"..... Not that great, but thanks for asking? In all honesty in the past month I have been home I have hit my lowest and darkest spots-- but on the other hand I have also hit some highs. Its been a rollercoaster to say the least. This is not what I wanted for myself, I didnt want to be an emotional mess, I wanted to be so so happy for having been there and show it. I wanted to show what Costa Rica had done to me, how its changed me and I feel like I havent been doing a very good job of it. I have just been a slightly depressing blob of useless gloop. And I am trying so hard to just pull myself up by my bootstraps... but they get heavier and heavier everytime, and a strap is broken.
I have already been looking at return tickets to Costa Rica, I know I will return one day, whether to teach or to visit in the time being. But right now-lies dont need an airplane to chase you down. Sometimes God gives you one big shake, brings you to your knees and brings you back to him. Sometimes though, we are just way to stubborn and refuse to return to Him. We want to do it the hard way, we want to "prove" to God that we can be the person he wants us to be, just without Him. It doesnt work.
Every time I come home I find myself pretty depressed for about two months. The thrill is gone, life is simple again & there's no excitement in daily living. Something feels off in a inexplicable, wordlessly sad way.
ReplyDeleteSooner or later though, those experiences boiling inside start to form into something solid & lasting that quietly guides life's next steps.
It'll come back together, but for me it involves a lot of moping, tears, frustration & waiting. Hang in there.
*hugs*
You have no idea how thankful I am to not be the only one experiencing this. I feel things looking up once I get busier, but all I can do it mope around in my mind for a bit... and keep looking at tickets to return :).
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